Again according to Wikipedia:
Self-confidence does not necessarily imply 'self-belief' or a belief in one's ability to succeed. For instance, one may be inept at a particular sport or activity, but remain 'confident' in one's demeanor, simply because one does not place a great deal of emphasis on the outcome of the activity. The key element to self-confidence is, therefore, an acceptance of the myriad consequences of a particular situation, be they good or bad. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more 'self-confident' because one is worrying far less about failure or (more accurately) the disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable. If there is any 'self-belief' component it is simply a belief in one's ability to tolerate whatever outcome may arise; a certainty that one will cope irrespective of what happens. Belief in one's abilities to perform an activity comes through successful experience and may add to, or consolidate, a general sense of self-confidence.
Feeling “unconfident”?
Feeling unconfident seems to be a common complaint of our age. In recent weeks I have had a number of friends talk to me about their feelings of “unconfidence”. In physical terms they may describe a sense of “butterflies” in their stomach or worry or disorientation.
In general I think it is fair to say that, in the modern world, there is scope to learn much more from our feelings than we often do. Feelings naturally monitor our circumstances, visible and invisible, and provide tangible (but often subtle) messages to us. Scientists propose that our feelings are linked to physical conditions, and through our hearts pick up information from less tangible sources, such as another person’s energy or that of a group. There is even connection to our DNA which provides a store of historical data that enables us to “know” the learning of our ancestors. Our feelings also have the ability to compare situations or events with our experiences, beliefs and values. They can tell us when we’re in physical danger or in danger of being inauthentic.
So, what can we deduce from all the above?
In practical terms, the first thing we should do when we feel unconfident is to acknowledge the feeling. We should take note of how it is manifesting in our body and its strength. If there is a severe feeling, we probably wouldn’t even describe it as unconfident, it is more likely to be fear. It may be that we have automatically been forced by reflex to take immediate action (flight or fight). Even in such circumstances, it may be worth pursuing the matter further after the event to find out if there was something to learn. Was our fear justified or not? Was there a better response available to us?
In all unconfident situations there is much to be learned that could make us more confident going forward. Some great questions to ask include:
What exactly am I unconfident about?
There is real benefit in drilling down with this question. For example if the first response is “work”, what exactly is it about work? Is it a task or our relationship with an individual? What is it about that task or individual? Just nailing the exact source of the feeling physically is a critical part of the journey. We may even ask the question “what are we actually confident about in this matter?” We may discover that we have more to be confident about than we think. The feeling of lack of confidence can originate from a very small part of what we do, yet it can have the damaging effect of “infecting” the whole experience. So someone may initially describe a general lack of confidence and drill down to work, then to a particular dealing with an individual.
What beliefs do I hold about this situation?
Peter Honey, author of “Improve your people skills” suggests that unwanted feelings arise when our experience is out of line with our beliefs. This applies to all unwanted feelings, including feeling unconfident. Maybe we believe that a job needs to be done quicker or better than we can do it. Of course this could be true or it could just be a misconception. If we examine our feelings and name the beliefs that are involved, there may be chance to check out the reality and rewire our belief accordingly. Maybe we go back to the person we are working for (a boss or a client) and ask the honest question “I seem to be spending a long time on this task, do you think this is good use of my time and energy – does it have to be done to the standard I have self-imposed?” In my experience people generally respond well to honest examinations of efficiency if they are entered into in a genuine wish to provide a good service.
Is it really me?
Feeling unconfident can also be a product of doing things we are not equipped to do. Again our internal wiring might be telling us to “take the rough with the smooth” or that “nothing comes without hard work”. Might it be wise to ask whether a task is better suited to someone else, leaving us to play to our strengths?
Growing in confidence
There are many other smart questions to ask around the issue of personal growth. Most learning and development practitioners would agree that living completely in our “comfort zone” provides zero opportunity for personal growth. We need to take risks outside the comfort zone in order to learn and grow but this needs to be managed. If we stray too far from our comfort zone we may indeed be entering a place that is dangerous. Doing so could cause physical or psychological harm and will not serve our growth. People who have been damaged by danger may retreat to their comfort zone and lose further opportunity for growth.
Retreat or advance?
So, is our feeling of lack of confidence telling us to retreat or go forward with care? I remember feeling unconfident the first time I abseiled down a rock face. Then I stopped and checked the circumstances and affirmed to myself that I trusted the people, processes and systems that were associated with the activity. I remained nervous but became confident that I was safe. After the event I was much less nervous and very confident. I had grown.
Confidence in others
Of course much of the above is about confidence in ourselves and of course we may also feel unconfident in others or about situations or places. Again, the process is about acknowledging the feeling and finding out what it is telling us. Sometimes we may feel unconfident about someone for no logical reason but if our intuition is strong, it really is worth finding out more. Perhaps we need to verify that website before entering our credit card details. Or perhaps we should actually contact the references offered by the job applicant before employing them.
Confidence and security
Steve Straus is a good friend and associate. He regularly offers the comparison of similar terms in order to grow our understanding performance. His thoughts are offered below and you can contact Steve or sign onto his mailing by following the links:
DISTINCTION: Secure vs. Confidence (Distinctions are subtleties of language that, when gotten, cause a shift in a belief, behavior, value or attitude.)
Ah, confidence. Feels great, doesn't it? To have confidence, to radiate it, to benefit from the effects of it -- wonderful. But there is something which is even a notch higher than confidence.
To be secure is to be confident plus have an absence of fear, be free from danger or harm, be protected. Someone who is secure is comfortable that they know who they are, why they are, and what (at least the next chunk of) their life is about.
Confidence can be faked. You know people who pretend to be confident. They do so to hide their...insecurities!They are not secure.
When you are secure you don't have to hide anything.It's not about being perfect; it's about not having to hide your imperfections
Coaching Point: What is one area of your life in whichyou feel really secure right now?
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Steve StrausA Coach for highly successful people -- since 1987195 Panorama Cir., Pottsboro, Texas 75076 USA903-786-4786
Who am I?
Of course the opposite of feeling unconfident is to feel confident. It seems to me that confidence stems from knowing who we are. In fact when Nelson Mandella was asked by journalists why he had been successful in the liberation of South Africa from apartheid, he replied simply “I know who I am.”
We can “know who we are” by defining our beliefs, values, ambitions and commitments. All of these are worth exploration. Regarding values (which largely determine our character) perhaps we can find a handful of big labels for our values and write them down. For myself I included: adventure, family, service, compassion, spirit and vitality. These things are all important to me. At the beginning of each year, month, week and day, I make a note of what I’ll do to support each of these values. And at the end of each of these periods I reflect on the extent to which I have achieved them. Planning ahead in these things gives me focus and celebrating achievement gives me confidence. That’s not to say that I do everything on my lists. Sometimes I get called to more important needs or opportunities. But knowing that every day I have done something to support three or more of my values does lift my confidence.
What do you do (or could you do) to manage your confidence well?
Share your thoughts so we can all grow in confidence and release more of our potential?
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